WRITTEN
BY
Nick Brandi
STARRING
Nick Sullivan as Paul Ramos
Anne Sayre as Barbara Whitman
Angela Mazziotta as
Gregori J.
Martin as Father Merrin
Na’Vell Lee as
Damien Givens
Monica Bailey as Felicia Stevens
Stephen Seidel as Dante Ramos
Erika Crocco as Caroline Hart
Kurt McKinney as Benny
Wendy Hammer as Miranda Phillips
Kale Browne as Frank Morgan
Roger Newcomb as Cousin Mikey
Caroline Hay as Barbara’s Mother
Delaina Dixon
as Dr. Angela Givens
Ryan Chandler as Elijah Phillips
Barbara Thomas as Eve Morgan
Brian Rush as Detective March
FADE IN:
1. INT. PAUL'S LIVING
ROOM – NIGHT
As
a roaring fire bathes a dark, wood-paneled room in pale orange warmth, PAUL and
BARBARA relax on a sumptuous divan, his arms encircling her as she reclines
face-up on his chest.
PAUL
So, Barbara, what did you think of dinner
tonight?
BARBARA
(Almost purring like a kitten)
Mmmm, it was amazing.
Carlos is a genius!
PAUL
Yes, he is one of my better acquisitions.
BARBARA
His face should be carved on
PAUL
(Laughing)
I'm glad you approve.
BARBARA
What a heavenly evening this has been, Paul.
I don't think I've ever been this happy.
PAUL
Hopefully, it will be but one of many more to
come.
BARBARA
I think I like that idea. (Pauses) Paul… do
you ever think about the future?
PAUL
Do you realize who you're talking to,
Barbara? All I ever do is think about the future. That's how I was able to get
to where I am today.
BARBARA
No, silly man. I mean us -- our
future.
PAUL
(Somewhat awkwardly)
Oh, I see. Well, uh, yes. Sure I do.
BARBARA
Me, too -- especially since I'm soon to be
Mrs. Paul Ramos.
PAUL
It does have a certain ring to it, doesn’t
it?
BARBARA
(Coyly)
Yeeaahh. Speaking of rings,
have I told you recently how much I adore mine?
PAUL
I seem to recall that you have.
BARBARA
God, Paul, there are just a million things I
want to discuss with you, a million plans to make.
PAUL
Hold on there, tiger. I appreciate your
enthusiasm, I really do. But it's the end of a particularly stressful week, and
all I want to do right now is bask in the afterglow of that glorious repast and
divest my mind of all things serious.
BARBARA
I suppose that's understandable -- as long as
the only duck I get tonight was on my dinner plate.
PAUL
(Chuckling again)
I assure you it was, Barbara. We will
continue this conversation in the near future.
BARBARA
Promise?
PAUL
I promise. Happy Halloween,
Barbara.
BARBARA
Happy Boo-Day to
you, too, Paul.
Barbara
ensconces herself contentedly in Paul arms and closes her eyes.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
1. INT. GUEST ROOM,
THE RAMOS ESTATE -- DAY
In
front of a full-length mirror stands BARBARA in her white wedding dress. She is
being attended to by ARDEN, who is positioned behind her while adjusting BARBARA's veil.
Now hold still, Aunt Barbara. Unless you want your veil draped demurely over your left ear
instead of your face.
BARBARA
(Amused yet elated)
Sorry,
I'm so happy for you, Barbara. And I still
can’t believe that you picked me to be your maid of honor.
BARBARA
It makes perfect sense to me. You and Brian
are the only family I care anything about; besides, it makes for a poetic
balance with Dante being Paul's best man. And considering how hot and heavy you
two are, who knows, maybe one day I'll be fixing your veil in this room.
Well, it's a little too soon to be thinking
about any of that, but Dante does seem to be a really great guy.
BARBARA
Oh, but think about it,
Outside,
we hear the familiar swell of the Wedding March as an organist begins to play.
For the moment let's just focus on this dream come true. C'mon, how 'bout
we go and marry you off.
2. EXT. RAMOS ESTATE,
REAR LAWN -- DAY
A throng of about two hundred guests is
congregated on the rear lawn of the Ramos estate. After the Wedding March ends,
a cleric begins to administer the rites of marriage.
FATHER MERRIN
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here
in the sight of God to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony;
which is an honorable estate, instituted of God in
DAMIEN
(Rising from his seat, clearing his throat)
Actually, I've got something to say.
BARBARA
(Over the murmurs and rumbles of the crowd)
Damien!
PAUL
What the hell does that kid think he's doing?
DAMIEN
This wedding is a sham. If Barbara really
loved him she wouldn't have been sleeping with me for the past year.
PAUL
What!
FELICIA
There goes my Lexus.
BARBARA
Damien, shut up! Paul, I can explain…
God, Aunt Barbara!
DANTE
(To
I can't believe Damien kept this from me, his
best friend, for so long.
DAMIEN
Barbara, I love you, and you love me -- and I
don't care anymore who knows it!
CAROLINE
Wow, Paul, you really picked a winner, didn’t
you?
PAUL
I'd very much like to know just what the hell
is going on here.
BENNY
(To Paul)
Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet, bossman. I assume she
never told you that she and I used to do it like bunnies in a cage -- or what
she used to do on the weekends for some extra scratch when her knock-off Prada was a little light. Go ahead, ask her where -- or
should I say how -- she got those emerald earrings with the matching necklace.
PAUL
(To Barbara)
You said those were your grandmother's!
BARBARA
(Frantic)
Benny, I hate you! Get out!
MIRANDA
Would you like me to pack her suitcase, Paul?
BARBARA
Miranda!… Paul!
Wait, what the hell is going on here?
BENNY
The boys and I used to call her Flash,
because she could always get her clothes off in a hurry.
[The assembled guests begin to laugh.]
BARBARA
This isn't happening!
PAUL
I always thought you seemed a little too adept
at certain things to be the chaste little waif you said you were. You don't
learn that kinda stuff at theatre camp, honey.
MANNY
I knew I always like her.
[More laughter from
the crowd.]
FRANK
No, what my little sister actually did at
theatre camp was take the virginity of our first cousin, Mikey.
BARBARA
(Shocked and irate)
Frank, are you out of your freakin' mind?
COUSIN MIKEY
It's true! And I've been gay ever since!
BARBARA'S MOTHER
Oh, hush up, Mikey;
go decorate somethin'. As for you, child, I knew you
were no damn good the day I caught you boiling your Malibu Barbie.
BARBARA
Mother, my God! You’re supposed to be dead.
ANGELA
Oh, this is even better than "
FRANK
And let’s not forget about that
twenty thousand dollars you supposedly borrowed for me. Man, do you know what I could do with twenty
thousand bucks?
DAMIEN
Let them say whatever they want, Barbara. I
don't care about any of it. I don't care about your gray hair, your cellulite
or even the stretch marks. I love you just as you are.
BARBARA
I’m a size zero, you lovesick fool.
FELICIA
I will just never understand what that boy
sees in that skanky, stick-legged, flat-bootied ho.
BARBARA
And I don't know what you're talking about,
Damien. I don't love you. I want to be with Paul.
PAUL
I'm afraid that's no longer an option, my
dear. You're simply not worthy of the Ramos name. I'll expect you off the
grounds within an hour.
MIRANDA
I'll help you pack.
BARBARA
What?! But Paul!…
PAUL
That won't be necessary, Miranda. I've got
other plans for you. I think that since the guests and minister are already
here, you and I should do what we've both secretly wanted for so long.
MIRANDA
Why, Paul, what are you saying?
PAUL
I'm saying that I'd like you to be my wife.
Will you marry me?
ELIJAH
(Practically cheering)
YES! Yes, she will. She totally will. You
totally will, right, Mom?
MIRANDA
(Joyously)
Yes, I totally will!
PAUL
I adore you, Miranda.
MIRANDA
And I you, Paul.
[Barbara screams.]
ELIJAH
I wonder what they're wearing at Harvard
these days. Hot damn!
BARBARA
What the hell is going on here? I think I'm
losing my mind!
PAUL
Are you still here, Barbara? Do I need to
summon security?
DETECTIVE MARCH
That won't be necessary, Mr. Ramos. My name
is Detective March, and I'm with the
[The attendees gasp in horror.]
BARBARA
Okay, I get it now. This is the Twilight
Zone, right? I got a hold of some bad mushrooms, right?
DETECTIVE MARCH
'Fraid not, ma'am. Barbara Whitman, you're under arrest for
suspicion of embezzlement, grand larceny, fraud and tax evasion. You have the
right to remain silent…
FELICIA
Now this is what I call a wedding.
FATHER MERRIN
I cast you out you unclean spirit!
DAMIEN
(Calling after Barbara as she is led away)
I'll write to you every day, my love!
Aunt Barbara, if there is anything I can do…
BRIAN
Let them take her,
EVE
Your brother's
right, Arden. Next to her I look like the cream of the crop.
BRIAN
(Muttering under his breath)
More like the cream of the crap.
Let's try to keep a grip on reality, Mom,
okay?
BARBARA
(Pleading through tears)
No, please, no. This can't be happening.
Somebody please help me!
ANGELA
God, I love
3. INT. PAUL'S LIVING
ROOM -- NIGHT
PAUL
Barbara! Barbara! Wake up!
BARBARA
(Dazed and confused)
What? Er, a, where?…
PAUL
You were shrieking in your sleep, pleading
for someone to help you. That must have been one whopper of a nightmare.
BARBARA
Oh, my God! Yes, a nightmare. What a
nightmare! Oh, my God.
PAUL
What the hell were you dreaming about?
BARBARA
(Still groggy)
Huh? Dreaming about? No, yeah, uh, nothing. I
was, a, just… being chased by someone in the woods.
PAUL
Your pulse is racing like a turbine. Can I
get you something?
BARBARA
Maybe just a glass
of water, please.
PAUL
Sure. I'll be right back.
BARBARA
Thank you, Paul. I'm sorry.
PAUL
No more duck for you, my dear.
BARBARA
(Initially still foggy but then soberly)
Yeah, no more duck for me. Paul?
PAUL
(Turning around in
the doorway)
Yes, my dear?
BARBARA
How do you feel about elopement?
PAUL
We’ll talk tomorrow.